Gnoah Speaks To Press After Post-Christmas Shocker!

People of the Press, and my fellow Americans, good morning. It is with a heavy heart that I present to you the information that has just come into my hands. It seems that someone the American people have trusted for many many decades has betrayed us. As you know, since September 11th, the Untied States has taken the initiative to meet terrorists where they train versus waiting for them to attack us at home. In doing so, we have placed spies and/or surveillance equipment where ever we could. Russia, Germany, China, Michael Moore's home, where ever we felt that a threat might come from.

This threat however comes from the most unlikely of places. The North Pole. Yes, we had Santa Claus under scrutiny. Our operative there was to maintain a watch on a man who claims that he sees us when we're sleeping, and who knows when we're awake. How could we not be watching him too? I've always thought of Santa as something of a Communist. Who gives free toys away for no reason? Only a Commie, that's who! But, Santa's saving grace was that he only gives toys to the good boys and girls who deserve it. Just as President Bush gives tax breaks to the Corporations.

But, Santa's true colors came out when our operative, who will only be known as Keebler, found Santa's Naughty list. Within those pages were the names of people Santa would not be giving presents to. Those he felt were not good little boys and girls. And in creating this list, Santa made it clear that he is an enemy of Patriotism.

Among the names listed were: Saddam Hussein, Osama bin-Laden (so far so good), Elvis Presley (so he is alive still!!!), the creative team of badtasteadvertising.com (the monster!), Donald Rumsfeld (okay, this one I understand), Colin Powell, Barbara and Jenna Bush, and George W. Bush. The fact that Santa Claus would refuse to give gifts to such Patriotic Americans such as the ones listed above proves that he is an enemy of America. What has any of the people listed above done to deserve no gifts?

Okay, we understand Saddam, Osama, and Donald Rumsfeld, but c'mon, Elvis and the bad taste ad people? And who can blame the Bush girls for their behavior? Their dad rules the world now, they can do whatever the hell they want! It's their right! But, no one calls my president naughty! So, when I am elected president in 2004, I say we begin to mobilize troops into the North Pole and we take out that fat Commie bastard once and for all.

I'm Gnoah and I'm running for President.