Gnoah’s speech to the troops in Iraq when he visited the front lines on April 3, 2003

Hello, men and women of the armed forces.  You’ve been doing one hell of a job kicking these Habib’s back to the stone age, and you should be commended.  There’s nothing more American than destroying the societies of lesser beings.  You’ve brought great honor to yourselves and to your nation, and with each victory, you’ll bring oil and money to the U.S., and all you’ve had to do was kill, and some of you have had to die, but that’s American too.

I have come here today to help those of you who are not sure why we’re here to better understand things.  America has a Manifest Destiny to lead the world to a better tomorrow.  We had it since we first settled our great nation, allowing us to almost rid the world of an entire race of people.  We’ve had it ever since and the evidence for this is that we are still the richest nation in the world and have never lost a war.  It is worth noting that Vietnam was not a war, and we didn’t lose, we just pulled out early because one President, who shall remain nameless, didn’t want to liquidate that race almost to extinction, forgetting our Manifest Destiny, no doubt.

We are here for a lot of reasons, people.  Many of them you know, but let me cover one issue that no one wishes to discuss, and since I’m running for President, and have sworn to be honest, I will open this can of worms.  We are here, in part, for oil.  Why?  Because these camel-violating S.O.B.’s have been stealing OUR oil!  That’s right!  It’s our oil!  Why?  Because it’s our Manifest Destiny to lead the world, and no one should have control over something we need!  We need oil, and that’s our oil.  Some people have asked me, “Gnoah, how did our oil get under their sand?”  Sometimes I think they are trying to make me doubt that it’s our oil, but I answer simply this: It’s not under their sand, it’s under our soil, they just have a quicker, more direct route to it.

Picture the world.  It’s a sphere, and if you start digging from where the U.S. is and aim it at the oil that is allegedly under their sand, you’ll see that it is, in fact, under our soil.  So, these evil, Habib bastards figured that they could steal our oil and sell it to us without us realizing it was ours.  And it worked!  But no longer!!  We’re here to take back the oil that was stolen from us.

(Pause for cheers and applause.)

The next thing I am here to discuss with you brave American warriors is what I want to do once I am President.  As it stands now, the Advisors to the Pentagon are people with ties to oil.  This was one of the biggest deciding factors of this war.  I wish to replace the Pentagon advisors with people who have ties to Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts.  Then, we will coordinate a war with Columbia so we can obtain control over the coffee beans there.  Remember, these are OUR coffee beans.  Manifest Destiny.  We have a right to our future generations to lead the world, and we cannot fail.  It’s destiny.

Once we control the coffee in Columbia, maybe we can find other countries that control other products that are ours, and take control of those as well.

For now, focus on the mission at hand.  We will win this war against Iraq.  We will regain control over our oil.  It is our destiny.  It is the American way, no matter what those protesting, tree hugging, bleeding hearts have to say.

I’m Gnoah, and I’m running for President and representing the Contradiction Party.