How do you tell the difference between the doll and the real thing? Hmmm. One is over 90% plastic, and the other, well no, that won't work either. I found a difference! One of them actually turns me on sexually in a strange sort of way, the other doesn't. No, I won't say which. -Steve

My first thought upon looking at this monstrosity was that she had to take a piss real bad, but then realized she might just be hungry. Smith hasn't been thin in God knows how long, so why the thin bobblehead? She's a fucking heffer now! You might as well just made a cow bobblehead and put her name on it, it would sell better! Maybe I'd buy it if she was in front of a table full of food and her head bobbled to eat or something. Or maybe if her head bobbled on an old guy croth. And who's gonna pay $13 for this? I wouldn't pay that much to have the REAL Smith give me bobblehead, I'm not gonna pay it for a shitty toy. Whoever invented this should be fed to Smith as punishment.
-Daive

What if you drink the entire contents of the flask, and then you drive, and you're so drunk that when somebody beeps at you, you think it's your cell phone flask, so you answer it, and during a heated conversation with your flask you crash into a tree? It's times like these when I wish I'd become a lawyer.
-Steve

Attention all closet alcoholics! New way to hide your addiction is finally here! Just try not to accidentally answer it instead of your real cell phone that you now have to hide somewhere else on your person. Idiots!
-Daive

I don't have this channel in my cable line-up yet. This is good, because I would check my TV Guide to see what is on the TV Guide Channel. The TV Guide would say "TV Guide Channel". I would then turn on the TV Guide Channel to see what was on the TV Guide Channel. It would say "TV Guide". I would be rendered unable to move, and eventually die of thirst right there on my couch. And if I am going to die of thirst on my couch, I certainly don't want it to be due to the TV Guide Channel. Porn, yes. TV Guide Channel, no. -Steve

Now any computer can look like it's a piece of shit from Gateway!
-Steve

This disturbs me to no end. Beastiality at it's best right here. Searching the web for images of animals yearning for your human hardness? Need a little something extra to get you over the top? What better for lonely farmers than livestock spread eagle right there on their computers. Comes in cow, sheep, and goat. And all for the low price of $10! It'll save you from having to clean up all the blood and entrails from using real animals around your computer. -Daive

What I'd really like to see is a Digging Anna Nicole! -OR- What if they sold the other end of the dog, and then you put that one coming out of the ground somewhere in China? Wouldn't that be zany?
-Steve

Yes, just what I always wanted! A dog's ass greeting my guests!
-Missa

I can handle the cat stuck to the side of the house, and I can even understand lawn jockies and gnomes, but c'mon! This had gone too far. It doesn't even look like it's digging, but dead! It looks like I killed it and got bored trying to bury it, or I was just being a mean SOB and purposely buried it up to it's head in the ground. If my neighbor had one of these, I'd buy a lawn jockey and place it so it looked like the dog was getting another bone altogether.
-Daive

Now even Daive can masturbate!
-Steve

This guy needs sattelite dish sized eyeglasses AND the Hat Eyes Magnifier? Putting the finishing touches on his smallest projects with ease is the least of this guy's problems. -Missa

Weird. I invented something just like this to help me masturbate. Maybe I can sue them for stealing my patent.
-Daive

Interesting concept for technology, wrong implementation. If you're gonna project something onto the ceiling, why not porn images? That makes far more fucking sense than the time. You have to roll over and hit the button to project the time. Wouldn't it make more sense just to turn your head and look at the regular clock? And what happens if the button gets stuck and you end up staring at the fucking time all night long? I'll tell you what, you'll be buying a new fucking clock, that's what. -Daive

Kitty Play Mitten + Kitten + Freddy Krueger = Greatest movie ever!
-Steve

Imagine the hours of fun and entertainment this thrilling toy will bring to your feline friend! Just look at how excited and thrilled the cat in our ad is and imagine bringing that same joy to your precious pet!
-Missa

Somehow this makes me think of Bozo meets Freddy. Terrorize cats everywhere with a carnival glove with pompom fingertips. I'm gonna have nightmares from this, just think of what it'll do to cats!
-Daive

But what if don't want to go as a Bandito Dog?
-Steve

Unfortunately, when auditioning for the part of the Taco Bell dog, Scruffy just couldn't convince the audition judges that his name was really Paco. As I'm sure you're aware, Scruffy didn't get the part. -Missa

And if the dog REALLY wanted to play the part of a Mexican, he wouldn't try to get a job to begin with. -Matt

If I saw a dog wearing this, I'd put it out of it's misery. Just because himans own their dogs, it doesn't give them the right to mentally abuse the poor creatures.
-Daive

Not just for lesbians anymore!!
-Steve

This is a perfect companion to the Cell Phone Flask! Just imagine the hundreds of tasty treats you can inject a shot of gin into! The possibilities are endless!
-Missa

New Al-Queda torture device! Use it to force all sorts of whacky stuff into any orifice! And you won't even have to get your hands dirty!
-Daive

From the angle of the puck, it can only have come from the sky. Which plague is that?
-Steve

Disclaimer: Not responsible for family members, friends, and co-workers suffering heart attacks and/or loss of bladder control due to the initial shock. -Missa

Great item if you're trying to convince someone they're being stalked by Wayne Gretsky. -Daive

Only a woman could possibly think this is a useless invention. -Steve

Yes, the "brand new fresh from the store look" are the creases that you try to get rid of by ironing and washing. Only a complete moron would buy this product and think it has any value, outside a gag gift. -Daive

I'm tempted to buy it just so I can sue them for false advertising, because I couldn't get my car, my tv, my sofa and my front porch to have that brand-new-fresh-from-the-store look in less than 5 seconds.
-Matt

This seems to me that someone was really doing some thinking. Seriously. What better way to get rednecks to kill themselves (or their children) than to give them beer and dynamite. I'd like to shake this inventor's hand. Wait, what do you mean they're not real? That doesn't make any sense at all. Why would you...? Ah, fuck it, I give up. -Daive

I think my next door neighbor has had one of these for years, except his was real. Only in Louisiana.
-Matt

Here you go, Billy. Now go play with your sister...and no running please! -Missa

Remember all the oversized items in Pee Wee Herman's place in Pee Wee's Big Adventure? They're just finally getting around to selling off the props now that Paul Reubens has been inicted for child porn. I guess we won't get a Pee Wee comeback after all, at least not unless we're children or inmates. -Daive

So what happens when the old bag falls over and their shit goes flying everywhere? What if their Life Alert was in the organizer and now it's on the other side of the room, along with the phone, their glasses, their medication...now how are they going to call for help? They can't even die while watching their beloved The Price Is Right because the remote control went flying down the stairs! This is just cruel.
-Missa

I agree with Missa, this is a cruel item. Now I can not only steal their walker, but all their shit too. And what are they gonna do, chase me? Call the cops? I have their walker and their cell phone, their inhaler, their BenGay, their...you get the picture. This is just wrong.
-Daive

This item is for those lonely, unimaginative Manson Family members in your halfway house. C'mon, it's better than using a real razor, right? Right?
-Daive

I'm glad to see that Leonardo DiCaprio is open about his religious beliefs. With that said, I should buy these in bulk and pass them out in a church. Throw a few in the donation basket, stick some to the seats and prayer books, casually stick them to another person's palm when I shake their hand so they freak out thinking they just shook hands with Satan, and give one to the priest in exchange for the communion. Maybe even give him a few extras for when he wants to get kinky with his altar boys.
-Matt

If I had a real pair of undershorts that looked that bad I'd burn them, so the thought of buying one as a gag wallet is just repulsive. I wouldn't even leave those on the street as a joke. May God have mercy on the soul of any idiot who buys this.
-Daive

If the pouch is so secret, what's the point of the big shit stain to keep people away? Then again, who the hell is gonna go snooping through your undies to begin with? Except for Michael Jackson maybe...oh, and Father Lawrence...and PeeWee Herman too. Maybe this is a good invention after all!
-Matt

I don't know how they got that picture of Steve, but we're not going to rest until every single person on this planet has seen it.
-Daive

The perfect toy for when there's no one actually in the outhouse to harrass. Teach your children the proper way to behave when using a public toilet for only $16.98.
-Daive

Yes, I'm sure Mom and Dad will be thrilled when you disrupt their 25th Anniversary Party by "letting 'er rip" with the sneaky push of a button.Perhaps they'd be more amused if you brought it to Grandpa's funeral. Nothing like paying your final respects to ol' Grandad with a sneaky push of the button! The family will be talking about it for years to come!
-Missa

This is the epitome of white trash. As if making the noises with one's mouth, ass, and armpits weren't enough, now you too can pretend to fart through a machine. I'm waiting to read about the idiot who wanted to make bubbles in the bath with this thing and shocked himself.
-Daive

Now you can be the sexiest guy on your street! (Maine residents only)
-Steve

Now you can be the pimp daddy of your farm. Your sister will never play hard to get again.
-Daive