A Few Words Archives - Half Formed Thoughts 7/31/02

Half Formed Thoughts Open Letter To Britney Spears

Dear Britney,

How’s everything? Sorry to hear about you and Justin. Aw, who the hell am I kidding? Every heterosexual male in the developed world is happy to hear about you and Justin. It’s the best news since MTV renewed The Osbournes.

OK, I’m forced to admit that I honestly can’t remember whether you and Justin broke up before or after that show became a huge hit. I’m not very good at remembering dates. History was always my Hercules’ heel in school. But my point is that you’re finally away from that scumbag. And so it’s time to do what you should have done a few years ago.

Pose for Playboy magazine.

I honestly can’t think of any good reason why you haven’t done it already. But since you haven’t, you must have some reasons, which I would like to shoot down right now:

1. You’re too shy about your body to pose nude. I’d believe this about many celebrities, but not you.

2. You don’t need the many millions of dollars you’d get from Hef. I’ve seen too many episodes of Behind The Music to believe this one. The music industry is littered with the corpses of former superstars who suddenly find themselves bankrupt, either through uncontrolled spending, theft, or horrible contracts. I, of course, have no way of knowing if any of these apply to you, but the odds are pretty good that an extra ten million dollars or so would help to make your financial future a bit more secure. And if by some chance you don’t need the money, think of all the great press you could get by giving your Playboy check to charity!

3. You have a moral objection to pornography. Well, Playboy isn’t pornography. Pornography has to do with sex. And nudity is not always about sexuality. True, every woman who poses for Playboy is sexually attractive in her own way, but every layout I’ve ever seen has been very tastefully done. Nudity can be about sex, or it can be simply about admiring beauty. I honestly believe that Playboy magazine is about the former.

4. You’re afraid that it’ll hurt your career. I won’t deny that more than a few Bible Belt mothers will immediately force their daughters to burn every last item of Britney paraphernalia they own and never listen to you again. But let’s face it, no one gets to be the darling of the pre-teen music scene forever. No matter how hard you try to hold onto it, the day is coming, and soon, when you will be replaced. And the signs are there that it’s started to happen already, hasn’t it? The only question left to answer is if you will have an adult music career or not. Either way, posing nude can’t hurt you and will only help. If you aren’t going to have a sustained career in music, you’d better cash in now while your stock is high. And if you are going to, Playboy isn’t going to matter one way or another. Did posing nude hurt Madonna? Did it hurt Belinda Carlisle?

5. You’re afraid of what your family will think of you. To hell with your family. It’s time you become your own person and make your own choices.

So there you have it. I can’t think of any other objections you might have to posing nude. And since I have so thoroughly rebutted each of them, I fully expect to hear an announcement very soon of your deal with Playboy.

And if, by chance, you have objections to posing nude which I have not addressed, feel free to contact me personally to discuss the matter further.

Yours truly,
Steven Sousa

[I realize that it is astronomically unlikely that Britney Spears is remotely aware of my existence or of the existence of this column. And since as far as I know, the total readership of this column is all of four people it’s doubtful that anyone reading this knows Britney. But what the hell, it’s worth a shot.]

Email Steve with any comments at aenor@aurora.mv.com