A Few Words Archives - Half Formed Thoughts 03/30/03

Random Thoughts About The War

Is it just me, or is this 24-hour coverage on the ongoing campaign against Iraq the most pointless thing on television since the NHL All-Star game? Sure, war is definitely a newsworthy event, but what’s the point of watching a bunch of buildings explode in downtown Baghdad? It’s not as if watching American soldiers walking around at night is doing anything to increase my understanding of the military campaign. The entire war coverage has been nothing more than eye candy. And given the recent advances in special effects, it isn’t even good eye candy.

It’s not that I don’t want to know about the war, but the whole idea of televising an ongoing war is completely futile on the very surface. There’s no way that our military is going to give its strategy away to network coverage, and I’m quite sure that I wouldn’t understand it even if they did. So all Wolf Blitzer and his cohorts can do is put up a bunch of cameras and describe what they see. The whole thing is about as effective as letting Ray Charles do play-by-play during a basketball game.

Speaking of basketball, let me give thanks that at least the news coverage hasn’t interrupted the coverage of March Madness. It did get bumped from CBS to ESPN, but I haven’t missed one second of the riveting games between teams representing fine institutes of higher learning. The NCAA and the schools involved make billions of dollars from this tournament, and in exchange they give out literally hundreds of scholarships, which allow some of the best young athletes in the country to pretend that they actually attend college.

Given the relative importance of a basketball tournament and the lives of our soldiers in the Middle East, it seems like an easy decision to bump the games to cable so that CBS affiliates can continue their utterly non-incisive coverage of the war. Except that there are three major networks, plus CNN, Fox News, and even MTV who are also covering the war. Is there any TV set in America on which CBS is its only option for war coverage? Would the public’s interest be any less served if CBS let NBC, ABC, CNN and the rest cover the war while they show us the vitally important Gonzaga/Cincinatti game? Every channel is getting the same camera feeds from Iraq anyway. Who cares if it’s on twelve channels or only eleven?

This bothers me about other major political speeches as well. Take the State of the Union address. Every year the President calls the entire congress together and delivers an amazingly boring speech, pausing after every sentence for two minutes of raucous applause. And it’s on every single channel! I can’t escape it. Couldn’t the networks get together and agree to rotate it so that those of us who don’t care won’t be missing Everybody Loves Raymond? It seems wasteful to have the same coverage on every single channel.

Hey, that gives me a great idea. As you know, I have had a plethora of brilliant ideas in my life. I have had so many ideas that I have no idea how many ideas I’ve had. I’ve forgotten more brilliant ideas than ten average men will have in their entire lives. But this idea just might be my greatest idea ever. No, I take that back. Marrying my wife was my greatest idea ever. (I guarantee you I’m going to get some tail for that comment. Let that be a lesson to you men out there. Not only must you compliment your women often, but you’ve got to do it surprising ways when they’re least expecting it. One unexpected token of love is worth a hundred boring, clichéd ones.) But back to my second-greatest idea of all time. Like I said, it’s amazingly wasteful to have half a dozen channels covering the same on-going event. The only useful information we’re getting is coming from what the military is choosing to tell the press, and so they’re all just delivering the same message. Also, a major complaint against the war which I failed to mention in my previous column is its expectedly enormous price tag, which based on official estimates I’ve heard could cost anywhere from sixty billion dollars to four times the amount of money in the entire world.

My idea solves both of these problems. I heard someone say that this war on Iraq will be the most-watched event in the history of television. So how much do you think a network would pay for the exclusive rights to broadcast war coverage? NBC has paid $3.5 billion for the rights to the Olympics through 2008. Wouldn’t the rights to broadcast the war bring a lot more than that? Bet your ass it would. So instead of a war at taxpayer expense, we’d all be watching the Ford Motor Company presents Operation Desert Swiffer, sponsored by McDonald’s. I bet then there’d be a war at least once a year. And one thing we can all agree on is that war is good for the economy.

I am deeply thankful that the organizers of the Academy Awards has decided not to cancel or postpone the ceremony. And I know it’s useless to hope, but I hope that none of the famous actors and actresses decide to use their acceptance speeches to speak against the war. Because if there’s anything I hate more than celebrities speaking against war, it’s ignorant assholes who get offended when celebrities speak against war. Aren’t celebrities citizens as well? Why is it wrong for them to speak their opinions? We seem to be deeply interested in their personal lives, why wouldn’t we be interested in their opinions on something of actual substance? We heap praise upon celebrities for standing up for causes like AIDS, homelessness, and breast cancer. Why are they criticized for speaking against the war, just because it’s an unpopular opinion?

Whether or not you agree with her, I guarantee that at least Susan Sarandon’s opinion is more informed than some college student who only knows what he reads in books and sees on MTV news. She has traveled the world and been in contact with other cultures and societies, which makes her more qualified to speak than either you or I. Well, maybe just you.

It’s too bad that Michael Jackson’s public image is so low, because if there’s anyone who could bring peace to the Middle East, it’s Jacko. He’d walk right into Baghdad, start dancing, and everyone else would follow his magical lead. Especially that fat guy whose glasses jiggle when he dances. Wasn’t he the coolest? But with Michael’s image as permanently damaged as his nose, I guess the best we can hope for is for Eminem to offer to settle this conflict with a rap battle. I’m sure that along with his weapons of mass destruction Saddam Hussein has been developing a few phat hip hop DJs with mad mike skillz. Or at the very least there have to be a few rad breakdancers in Iraq. Music can heal the world, I believe.

I am deeply infatuated with Maria Menounos. That has nothing to do with the war, but I just had to say it. I haven’t been this instantly smitten with a television personality since Summer Sanders.

One constant message you’re hearing these days is the need to support our troops no matter what you think about the war. It gets repeated so often that it makes you wonder if there really is a large segment of the American public who are actively rooting against our military and would like to see heavy losses on our side. I have not yet seen or heard one person express such an opinion, and you can bet that if any news organization could find such a person, he’d be on the six o’clock news so fast that it would be closer to two or three o’clock.

I think it’s fair to say that every sane person in this country is rooting for this war to be over as soon as possible, and with as little loss of life on both sides as possible. So what am I being encouraged to do by those who would have me “support the troops”? Since I pay taxes, I already support the troops whether I want to or not. I suspect that what these people really mean by “support the troops” is that now that the war is over, everybody should stop publicly protesting against it. The memories of Vietnam are still strong, and back then a much larger percentage of Americans failed to understand the difference between opposing the government’s decision to go to war and disrespecting the actual soldiers who are just following orders. But I like to think that we learned a few painful lessons from Vietnam, and most people now understand that difference.

I honestly don’t understand why people are still protesting anyway. At one point it might have seemed possible that public opinion could have influenced the decision to go to war, but now that it’s started, what’s the point? It’s not as if George Bush is going to stop the war in the middle of a bombing run. There are an awful lot of people who actively oppose the war. I think George Bush understands this by now. While I’m not denying that they have the right to continue to protest, I wonder what they think they’re accomplishing other than getting themselves on television.

So to the protesters I say: Get a life. To the soldiers I say: Get home safe and soon. To CBS I say: Get some basketball back on my TV screen ASAP. To Maria Menounos I say: Get your pretty little self over to my place. And to Michael Jackson I say: Get the hell away from those children!

Email Steve with any comments at aenor@aurora.mv.com