A Few Words Archives - Half Formed Thoughts 03/03/03

Help Wanted

I have written my previous columns with various intents. Sometimes I hope to educate, sometimes I hope to persuade. Sometimes a crazy idea pops into my head and I want to explore its ramifications to see if it is worthy of belief. Sometimes I write as nothing more than an exercise in stringing words together, and sometimes I’m just going for a cheap laugh. I’ve even got this weird idea for a column/story about a war between the letters of the alphabet, but it doesn’t have an ending yet and I want to be careful to avoid it seeming like a metaphorical allusion to our present situation.

But this column might well be my first one with an actual purpose: finding a job. Yes, it’s true: Despite my previously mentioned universal expertise, yet another employee has decided that they could survive without my unparalleled contributions. To be fair, this most recent employer is in the struggling aircraft industry and I am most grateful for the opportunity for the six-month contract I was given.

Still, I was hoping that they’d see long-term enough to keep me on board, but that was not the case. And so for the sixth time in the past seven years, I find myself looking for work. I’m starting to feel like George Newman from Weird Al’s obscenely brilliant film UHF, unable to keep a job. Anybody own a TV station I could manage?

So I’m turning to you, my loyal readers for any assistance you could provide. Yes, I know that only a few columns ago I called you all mindless dolts and blithering idiots and now I am coming to you for assistance. To which I can only say: Can’t you take a joke? Ha ha ha. When I wrote that column I was merely taking for granted that each and every one of you were intelligent enough to recognize the subtle irony and sarcasm behind my writing. If I thought you were actually morons, I would not have been so obvious as to tell you to your (virtual) faces. The only people I call morons to their face, and mean it, are those who are so mind-blowingly ignorant that they fail to understand how badly they’ve been insulted. Hmmm, I wonder what George Fox is up to these days.

But you are at the very least literate, and have the good taste to read my humble writing, and so you could not have seriously thought I held such a low opinion of you. You are the salt of the earth. You know I didn’t mean those nasty things, and I knew when I wrote them that you would know I didn’t mean them. I wouldn’t have written them otherwise.

I am aware that most of my loyal readership consists of college students, who are not likely to have extensive employment networks. Still, even college students have mothers and fathers, and I suppose there’s always the slightest chance that one or two of you might have given your post-graduation futures a thought or two. So, just in case you have contacts in one of the two companies in America which are currently hiring, allow me to describe my experience and ideal position:

For the past six years, I have worked in several companies doing a wide-ranging variety of positions, under the catch-all heading Systems Engineering. When I explain this to people, this often causes some confusion because there are two types of job, both referred to as Systems Engineering, and I work in the less-well known one. The more well-known type of Systems Engineer builds computer systems and networks. What I do is harder to explain. Without getting into to much detail, my kind of Systems Engineer doesn’t design, test, or build anything, but looks at the big picture of what a technology is supposed to do. A Systems Engineer works with the other engineers designing new stuff to make sure it will do what it is supposed to do, or will work with customers to make sure that they’re getting the most out of the stuff they’re already using.

Perhaps it would be more helpful to give examples of what I’ve done. My most recent job was working with long-range maintenance cost models for aircraft engines. Airlines like to know how much an engine will cost to repair over the life of the aircraft, and my job was to make sure our estimates were as accurate as possible. I have also worked for defense companies doing simulation studies on military systems. Sort of like the movie War Games. I even look a lot like Matthew Broderick.

So basically, the type of position in which I thrive is one involving lots of data and complicated mathematical calculations in order to solve real world problems. Just about any company that works with new technology could use someone like me. If anyone reading this knows of such a company, or more helpfully, knows someone who works at such a company, I would be most grateful if you could get me in contact with them, or at the very least pass along my resume. (Click here for Steve's Resume)

Because if I become homeless, I won’t be writing any more columns. And I know you don’t want that, do you?

Next Week: At long last, my thoughts on Iraq.

Email Steve with any comments at aenor@aurora.mv.com