A Few Words Archives - Half Formed Thoughts 2/10/03

All The Things They Said

You might not have yet heard of the Russian pop group Tatu, but rest assured that you soon will. The group is made up of two teenage girls, and their debut single, “All The Things She Said” has gone to #1 in several European countries, and is quickly climbing the charts on this side of the Atlantic.

(All right, shoot me now. There are few phrases more pretentious than “this side of the Atlantic” in the English language. It’s usually used by people writing about music who wish to make their subject matter seem more important than it really is. Of course, since that is precisely what I’m about to do, I have decided to leave that particular sentence as is. In fact, be sure to keep your eyes open for further examples of grandiloquence and other forms of literary wanking in the rest of the column.)

Like most successful musical acts, an air of controversy surrounds Tatu. One wonders if there has ever been a popular music artist or group who have not generated notoriety along with their record sales. In the case of Tatu, their attention is created by their choice of subject matter, their love for each other. The name of the group is an abbreviation of a term in Russian which roughly translates to “This girl loves that girl” Here is a sample lyric from “All The Things”: “And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed/They say it's my fault but I want her so much/Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain/Come in over my face, wash away all the shame/When they stop and stare - don't worry me/'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me”

The lesbian subject matter, combined with their ages (under 18) and the “raciness” of the video for said song have led to tons of gum-flapping and moral outrage from the usual suspects. It’s even been banned by a British TV show. I always thought that the only good thing about Britain was its liberated attitude about sex. By the way, I’ve seen the video, and I honestly think it’s tame compared with other videos. They’re wearing skirts and white blouses in the rain while they occasionally smooch. Given the hype it created I was expecting at least a bit of tongue or even some necking. I’ve seen better girl-girl kissing on prime time network TV shows. Still, it’s always pleasant to watch two good-looking females lip-locked, and the song itself is above-average as well.

Predictably, the Tatu backlash has started already, and the issue that the Tatu-bashers are harping on is whether or not the two girls are in fact “true” lesbians. They have reportedly been seen in Russia with boyfriends, and they always give evasive answers when asked if they are lovers. They certainly hug and kiss each other a lot in their stage act, but is it all nothing more than a show to titillate horny men? As a horny man, let me be the first to say that I don’t care in the slightest. No, no, that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say that I applaud them for refusing to answer such inappropriate questions. I haven’t seen any interview footage with the two of them, but from what I have read on fan sites, they appear to have genuine affection for each other, and at the very least are very close friends. Whether or not they are presently, or have ever “eaten at the Y” is quite frankly none of my business. Unless they choose to publicly settle the issue in a Pay-Per-View special.

And who’s to say that the possibility that they date men does not rule out their genuine romantic love for each other? I think that the vast majority of people are bisexual to some degree, and especially in a society which is thankfully growing more and more accepting of same-sex attraction it’s becoming less and less shocking that two adolescent girls might date boys as well as each other.

Still, let’s suppose for a moment that the girls of Tatu are merely pretending at being in love for the sake of publicity. Even then, what would be the big deal? Since when have songs been known for their complete truthfulness? Consider the following examples of songs based on untrue premises:
Lionel Richie and Diana Ross were never in “Endless Love” with each other.

Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers were never “Islands in the Stream”

On the other hand, I do believe in the truthfulness of every Kiss song, since they’re all just about sex, and the members of Kiss are certainly experts in that area.

However, Eminem does not really hate gays. Really. I know what he raps about in his songs, but I SAW HIM HUG ELTON JOHN WITH MY OWN EYES! How could he hate gays if he would hug Elton John? Answer me that! On the one hand, you have wave after wave of horribly violent lyrics and the most homophobic comments imaginable, but on the other hand HE HUGGED ELTON JOHN! How can you question his love for gay people? Come on, people.

Jennifer Lopez is currently dating Ben Affleck, not LL Cool J. Rumor has it that the only thing keeping J-Lo from marrying Ben is his insistence on threesomes with Matt Damon. You would have thought the guy would have learned his lesson.

I seriously doubt that Geddy Lee, or any other member of Rush for that matter, has ever piloted a spacecraft into a black hole where he met the Greek gods on Mount Olympus.

Amy Grant sang many songs about her Christian beliefs, including one in which she sings, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet.” As I recall, Jesus had a few things to say in His Word about divorce, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in favor of it. Yet, as soon as Amy Grant’s pop singing career went into the toilet, she dumped Gary Chapman for country star Vince Gill, who had also recently divorced.

Even Sesame Street, that beloved institution of childhood, featured a few not-completely-true songs. One, Rubber Duckie was most definitely NOT Ernie’s “very best friend”. Bert was Ernie’s very best friend. In a completely platonic relationship of course, and you’re sick for even thinking otherwise. Two, it is, as a matter of fact, remarkably easy Bein’ Green. Nothing difficult about it at all. The hard part is bein’ Green and then getting more than 5% of the vote in a Presidential election. That’s damned near impossible. And finally, AB-C-DEF-GHI-JKL-M-NOP-QR-STUV-WX-YZ is not the “most remarkable word”. When I was two, I spent months and months learning how to spell that beast. I even made up a little song to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” to help me remember how to spell it. You can only imagine how devastated I was when I learned that it’s not even a real word. It’s the fucking alphabet! I can’t believe that they would lie to kids like that.

As Billy Joel observed, “Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue.” Not that Billy Joel has any right to talk. I bet that story about Brenda and Eddie isn’t even true. I bet he just made the whole thing up.

Email Steve with any comments at aenor@aurora.mv.com